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Political Whit, Wisdom, and Whatever

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An Encyclopedia of Humor

McHenry's Quips, Quotes, & Other Notes

A Treasury of Humor

An Encyclopedia of Humor

Government Realty

When I was a speechwriter for a US Senator, I overheard the following conversation.

Newspaper reporter: "Why don't you cut spending if revenues are down?"

Congressman: "Don't be silly, sport. This is the government, not real life."

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Deficit Defined

Christmas is when kids tell Santa Claus what they want, and their parents end up paying for it.

A deficit is when adults tell the government what they want, and their kids end up paying for it.
--Ilana Stern

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Splitting A Ticket

A fellow in Vermont said to his mother one day, "Mother, I don't believe you'd vote for God Himself if He ran on the Democratic ticket!"

To which she replied: "Of course not. If He switched parties at this late date, he wouldn't be very reliable, now, would He?"

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Chris the Forerunner

One wag called Christopher Columbus the Father of Modern Government. He didn't know where he was going when he started, he didn't know where he was when he got there, and he did it all on borrowed money.

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Chaplain's Concern

A father took his small son to visit the US Capitol. From the gallery they watched as the House of Representatives came to order and the Chaplain led in prayer. "Why did the minister pray for all those men, Dad?" asked the lad.

"He didn't, son," the father exclaimed. "First, he looked them over, then he prayed for our country!"

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Congressional Jokes

Congressmen and fellows like me are alike in some ways, I guess. But when I make a joke, it's a joke. When they make a joke, it's a law.
-- Will Rogers

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Campaign Conundrum

We have a presidential election coming up. And I think the big problem, of course, is someone will win.

-- Barry Crimmins

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Frequent Fairy Tales

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected I promise ... '"

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Dirt Diggers

A candidate running for Congress hired two assistants: one to dig up the facts, and the other to bury them.

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Shake & Quake

A politician is a guy who shakes your hand before an election and your confidence afterwards.

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Paltry Parties

The more you read about politics, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

-- Will Rogers

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Unusual Punishment

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.

-- F. McKinney Hubbard

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Words of the Wafflers

The politician is trained in the art of inexactitude. His words tend to be blunt or rounded, because if they have a cutting edge they may later return to wound him.

-- Edward R. Murrow

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An Excellent Trade

Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is wheeled up and President Clinton appears, carrying a pig under each arm. As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to a salute. Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute. My hands are full."

"Yes, sir. I see the pigs, sir!" responds the Marine.

"Now hold on," says Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks."

"Yes, sir! Razorbacks, sir!" says the Marine.

"I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explains.

The Marine answers, "Yes, sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself, sir!"

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Military Filings

I finally hired a new church secretary, a former Pentagon employee. She immediately reorganized my filing system, labeling one file cabinet SACRED and the other TOP SACRED.

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Congressional Candor

There was a fellow who applied for a job as a press aide for a Congressman. Not long after he submitted his application, he received word from the official's office: "Your resume is full of exaggerations, distortions, half-truths, and lies. Can you start work Monday?"

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Lincoln's Landlord

First Woman: "On my vacation, I toured Abraham Lincoln's boyhood home. It's exactly like it was over a hundred years ago."

Second Woman: "We must have the same landlord."

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Likened to Lincoln

Father: "Son, do you realize when Lincoln was your age he was already studying hard to be a lawyer?"

Son: "Right, Pop, and when he was your age, he was already President of the United States."

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Paternal Presidents

Father: "I'm ashamed of you. When I was your age, I could name all the Presidents in order.

Son: "But, Dad, there were only two of them then!"

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Nixon's Departing Line

According to a wholly unsubstantiated rumor repeated in White House circles shortly after former President Nixon retired to his San Clemente estate, it seems that only hours after his arrival in California, Mr. Nixon telephoned Gerald Ford. When the new president got on the line, Mr. Nixon is unreliably reported to have sung this memorable line: "Pardon me, boy, this is the chap who knew to choose you."

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If you think you're getting too much government, just be thankful you're not getting as much as you're paying for.

-- Will Rogers
 

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Have you gotten your income tax papers yet? They've done away with all those silly questions now. There are only three questions on the form:

1. How much did you earn?

2. How much do you have left?

3. Send it in.

-- Sandy Powell

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The politician's promises of yesterday are the taxes of today.

-- Mackenzie King

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A presidential aide said, "Mr. President, I was wondering, sir, if it might be possible for my son to work somewhere in the White House."

"Of course," answered the president. "What does he do?"

The aide threw up his hands and said, "Nothing."

"Excellent," noted the president. "We won't even have to train him."

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Most problems don't exist until a government agency is created to solve them.

--- Kirk Kirkpatrick

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You may not agree with every department in the government, but you really have to hand it to the IRS.

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We are finding it increasingly difficult to support both the government and family on a single salary.

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Taxpayers: A special class of people who don't have to pass civil service examinations in order to work for the government.

McHenry's Quips, Quotes, & Other Notes

Oldest Profession

In a prestigious argument, a surgeon, an architect, and a politician debated over whose profession was the oldest.

The surgeon boasted, "Eve was made from Adam's rib. That was surgery!"

"Maybe so," said the architect, "but before that, order was created from chaos, and that was the work of an architect."

The politician quickly saw his cue and said, "But who do you think created the chaos?"

A Treasury of Humor

The short memories of American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.
-- Will Rogers

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Talk-show host to political expert: "Campaigns have become so simplistic and superficial. In the twenty seconds we have left, could you explain why?"
-- Bennett in The Christian Science Monitor

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Nothing is so permanent as a temporary government program
-- Milton Friedman (attributed)

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The major difference between the two parties in America is when one does absolutely nothing, the other one always says they're doing it wrong.
-- Gene and Linda Perret

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Too many people, especially in government, feel that the nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.
-- Ronald Reagan, May 10, 1972

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Put a federal agency in charge of the Sahara Desert, and it would run out of sand.
-- Peggy Noonan

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I don't make jokes; I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers

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I'll say this much about George Washington. He never once blamed his problems on the previous administration.
-- Ron Dentinger, Down Time

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In the sage words of longtime lobbyist Tom Korologos: "The things Congress does best are nothing and overreacting."

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Congress is so strange. A man gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens, and then they all disagree.
-- Will Rogers

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True bipartisanship really works. It's the backbone of democracy and the inspiration of all free nations. Unfortunately, it's usually used only when the House votes itself a pay raise.
-- Gene and Linda Perret

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According to Ronald Reagan, the government's view of the economy may be summed up in just a few short phrases: "If it moves, tax it; if it keeps moving, regulate it; if it stops moving, subsidize it."

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Stories of Reagan, the Wittiest President

Reagan responded to an introduction given by Clare Boothe Luce, in which she read some gloomy passage from the memoirs of former presidents. After Ms. Luce dramatized the personal sacrifices it takes to be president, Reagan responded: "Well, Clare, I must be doing something wrong. I'm kind of enjoying myself."
-- The Uncommon Wisdom of Ronald Reagan

Shortly before he took office, Ronald Reagan was briefed by his advisors on the many problems that the country faced. He joked, "I think I'll demand a recount."

At the annual awards dinner of the White House News Photographers Association on May 27, 1987, Reagan got off a great remark about correspondent Sam Donaldson, who was notorious for bellowing questions at the president during press conferences: "Somebody asked me one day why we didn't put a stop to Sam's shouting out questions at us when we're out on the South Lawn. We can't. If we did, the starlings would come back."

After reports that the president always first pointed at female reporters dressed in red during questions at his press conferences, Reagan said at the annual dinner of the White House Correspondents Association on April 17, 1986: "At my last press conference, I thought that gimmick of wearing a red dress to get my attention went a little too far. But it was a nice try, Sam."
-- The Uncommon Wisdom of Ronald Reagan

As President Reagan ran across the South Lawn, Sam Donaldson yelled over the noise of the presidential helicopter, "What about Walter Mondale's charges?" Reagan shot back, "He ought to pay them."

An excellent example of the self-deprecating Reagan wit: "I've been getting some flack about ordering the production of the B-1. How did I know it was an airplane? I thought it was a vitamin for the troops."

I recall the unforgettable day in the Reagan administration when an American plane shot down two Libyan jets, and the White House was engulfed in controversy because aides failed to wake the President in the middle of the night. The next day, Reagan got off a trademark quip: "I've laid down the law to everyone from now on about anything that happens that no matter what time it is, I'm to be awakened ... even if it's in the middle of a cabinet meeting."
-Bob Dole

Bob Mills, on President Clinton signing a bill for a Ronald Reagan Building: "The new building, second in size only to the Pentagon, will be made entirely of glass, stucco, and Teflon."